Sunday, August 24, 2003
Nadirah and Sadiq broke up.That's all i've gotta say for today.I really ain't in the mood to actually say anything.Things just got worse...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:03:00 PM
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Saturday, August 23, 2003
A terrible day i had,i must say.Really bad.Already i had lack of sleep.And i'm tired,but i can't go to sleep now.I can't do that.i really can't stand this.It's like,why does he have to be like this to me soo suddenly?I know i deserved this for all that i've done in the past.All that i had done to him.I knoe i deserve it.Go on..Go on talking about me.Go on humilating me.Just go on with what you are doing.I will accept it simply because i dun wanna stand up and fight for it cos i dun have the heart to hurt him.So,let him do what he wanna do.Nobody's stopping him.And i mean nobody.I knew i blew up at him,but i meant what i said in my last few lines of the conversation with him.It's totally pointless if he tells me things but dun trust me.Might as well dun tell..It piss me off when you do that.What are you actually up to boy?What???Tell me directly.I wanna know directly,not indirectly....Haiz.....he talked to me..again i told him not to talk to me until he learn the meaning of trusting people.He thinks tt i hate him.I dun and i wun hate him.Im just pissed..Tts all...No hatred...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:23:00 PM
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Sth is really amiss here..I just got home..And as soon as i got on net,HE made me lost.Lost in my senses.He said things which really made me complicated.Wad are u trynna tell me?Are u pissed at me?Well,dun hv to answer tt,i knoe ure pissed.Eh,please lah.Tell me what is wrong...What had i done?I knoe i did alot of wrong towards u.I dun mind u blowing up at me,but at LEAST tell me wat actually happened.U said i was part of it,but what actually isit?Look...If u dun want me to be here,i can leave,but i dun wanna leave u yet.Not now.U really need to talk..Talk to someone who needed to listen...I am not pissed ok.Well,not yet.I dun wanna be angry.Not at u.Not now.I am really maintaining my patience.Really maintaining it despite being someone hot-tempered.I am just sad for allowing such things to happen.I really dunno wattodo.I still can't figure out what is wrong.Ur just being soooo sarcastic..Why? At first,u said i came at the right timing,and then u said its the wrong timing.Then we go on talking and you said i dun attack u with my stuffs,n the next moment u said i alwaus do tt.What really is the problem?Look...i'll respect ur decision if u dun wanna tell me wads wrong.Probably u just dun trust me at all...I will just go on and on wondering and wait for the answer to come from u! I will wait and wonder.Ok..i really didn't wanna get angry at u,but i think i just did.U knoe very well tt im a hot tempered person,y do this to me?I really dunno which part of the conversation to take into consideration.I am really sorry for messing up ur life more.But like i told u before,until u've learnt to trust me,only then u talk to me.Cos its ointless if u dun trust me and u tell me things which might be not true.I trusted all your words.I really did,but at this point of time,uponu proving it to me urself tt u dun trust me,i dunno what to believe already.If i chose to believe 'A',then 'B' might be the truth.I really dunno.I knoe i nv got the time to get to know you well enough.I knoe.But u nv gave me the chance to do so.I dun even know when i shud be able to contact you.You told me yourself that you won't be using any phone cos u sold your phone.And when you got the chance to sms,u didn't lemme noe.Are you punishing me back for what i did the previous time?Punishing me back cos i put her before you?I always had a feeling you didn't liked that.You didn't like me putting her before you right?WAIT!Pointless of me asking cos u'll nv tell me cos you don't trust me....Here,i say again...Until u learn to trust me,only then you should take the initiative to talk to me.If you think that you can never trust me,then..Haiz...Leave it that way.That's how my life is.Surrounded by people who don't trust me.I dunno who actually really trusted me....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 2:38:00 AM
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Friday, August 22, 2003
Hey..Im in school now..Just,well sorta just ended class...Was not a long day..I am having my gastric cramps now..N tt suck...it really does..it just suck alot mann...n it realy really hurt...i just finish printing out some things for my commskills project.Gilian couldn't do it..She had something to do,but hey its ok with me...She had a tiff with her bf just now during our econs lecture...But like...I dunno..He bf got pissed just because her mum asked her out for lunch at the last minute...gee..how bad...anyway...im really bored right now...raelly really bored..and am in pain...sheesh...oklah..better get going...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:03:00 PM
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Things are somehow rather different today.Things that i don't expect to happen so soon just somehow rather did.Is this what they say miracle?Or isit just my luck?Hmmm...i wonder...But i must admit it was great though.YOU told me that you knew what i did is the best for you.I was totally shocked when YOU said that.I mean,u nv said those kinda things to me even after i've done alot for you,and suddenly today you said that.Is everything ok?And after sooo long,its one of those nights that we dun end up being upset or fighting.It just all seemed different today.It feels just like the past whereby i disturb n disturb n disturb u non-stop.And in betwen those disturbance lies our laughters,or at least a wide smile on our faces.After so long this night is back.But isit only gonna be for tonite?I wonder.OOOOoooo...It's midnight...gotta change the werds....So,as i was saying,I dun wanna think of what myte happen today cos i wanna enjoy what i am feeling right now.The sudden feeling of happiness.Hapiness of yesterday.It conquered my heart that it has no more space to go round thinking about other stuff that myte upset me.Woohoo...I'm just so happy about this night...i meant,yesterday night...Ok..enough of that.Well ok,Nadirah has finally decided to go for the minor operation for her finger.It has some kind of lump or however the doctors actually calls it.Her appointment's next friday at 10.30a.m..together with her bro's,Nizar,appointment.His finger,i think got swollen because of the impact of a rugby ball...What's this thing about fingers mann??Speaking of which,my finger also something wrong.But mine is very pathetic.I have this small cut on my index finger.No,i didn't got cut by a knife.I admit i was really pathetic when this happened.My finger got cut by a wire strapper..Yes i was fooling around with the wire strapper.I was walking home with hajar,and knowing me not being able to keep my fingers to myself,i went to actually pull the edge of the wire strapper that was dangling.It was by the so-called fence for those deep 'longkangs'.It was there for somekind of flag which hey hung.Ok..wait..i think this thing sounds a lil' funny..i mean,i dunno if ya'll would actually understand what i said.But anyway i got the cut on my hand by the wire strapper...It's nothing,but abit troublesome for me to actually eat or even wet my hand cos like the skin was actually peeled off.n the skin is still dangling on my finger.i tried biting it off,but to no avail.haha!so i decided to just leave it the way it is.haha!Know wad i realise?I am being very crappy..but hey,who cares...im just so happy..i hope,nvm...no time for hopes...haha!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:14:00 AM
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Haiz.Why are you doing this to me?I feel so ignored by you.Was there something that i said that ure not happy with?Tell me.Dun keep it.U were neither happy nor pleased to see me.Instead u went day-dreaming.Wad is troubling you?Why aren't you telling me anything?Why?Why?Why?Tell me.....I knoe i can't be whom you wanted me to be.I tried to be the best i could be,but u dun seemed happy about it.I knoe i am not as good as u think i am.I knoe.I knoe where i stand in your hart,mind and soul.I knoe my status.This is really torture to me.This is worse than self mutilation to me.I'd rather mutilate myself rather than being tortured by you this way.Why do you have to change that much?Or isit me who is changing?I nv blamed you for anything.i dun like doin that.Nv did liked doing that.I did many wrong towards you.Soooo many of it.Where is the love we use to have for each other?Where did it go to?I wonder.I wonder if u had really loved me all this while.If u r saying 'I LOVE YOU' for the sake of saying it,then dun say it.Why say things that you don't mean?Don't do it.And if you are still with me for the sake of being with me,then leave me.No point staying on this relationship without any chemistry between us.I dun ask much from you.I just wanted the love that we use to have back. I MISS all those times we use to have.I dearly miss it.I MISS the time i hold u in my arms n dun wanna let u go,i MISS the times we use to hold on to each other's hands n not let go,i MISS the laughters we had for the stupidest and smallest thing.I MISS it all.But above all that,i just MISS YOU.How can i have the old you back?What do i have to do to get you back.I want the old u.I knoe now u have your own private live to lead with someone new.But wat happened to me?Won't i get any time for u?Won't i?I wanna spend time with you just like old times,but i dun think it might happen again.My only hope now is to get the old you back.The u,that i used to knoe.The u that i used to love sooo much.I want you back...I wanna make you happy,but i might not have enough time to do so.I am now just waiting.Waiting for the time to pass by and wait for the worse to happen.If its time,then it is time.But how can i make you happy before that time?I dun even have time with you.You're always busy with something.Ask me out,take me out.Do watever as long as i can have time with you.I can't bear the distance we are living with.I can't bear it.Not now,not ever.I really miss you dear.Where are you?????????
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 9:03:00 PM
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003
ok2..i knoe its been quite sometime since i last updated this.Was kinda busy with certain stuff.So i really didnt have the time.But now i finally found the time...Ok..cool...its my birthday tday..not a big deal anyway.its just like those other days i had..only that its abit happier..and i mean abit...nadirah gave me a bdae present ok..she gave me a bracelet from perlini's silver...my parents apparently surprised me with a birthday cake just now.I was shocked mann n i was forced to eat it..i dun eat cakes mann...but i had to force myself or else they would think that i dun appreciate it.My uncle was also here.It surprises me that my frens who went missing for a long time suddenly popped up to wish me a happy birthday..surprising mann.And my 'kakak angkat' was the second one to wish me happy birthday.Now im missing her.Havent seen her for a year plus and we also seldom sms each other,so i was kinda shocked that she was the second one to wish me happy birthday.Nad won her by a few seconds.And wads better.She wanna see me these few days.She said she got something for me..I wonder what..And i wonder why she did that cos like we havent met each other for a long time...I am supposed to be sms-ing nadirah,but suddenly i got silence from her.I think she's asleep.Well,its ok with that.I dunno why i always fight with her.Even for a very small matter.Gosh...Now im missing her...I feel so bad for hurting her all this while.I dun think she ever deserve it.Yet i dunno how come she can forgive me soooo easily after what i've done to her.Why?I wonder.I knoe i sacrificed alot for her but i always denied it.Dunno if she actally appreciate what i had done for her.I really feel hopeless each time i think back on what has happened.The good and the BAD.Each time i make her cry i would feel damn bad and sad too...Each time i see the tears in her eyes,i feel sad for not being able to make her happy...I dunno y,but i feel that im not a responsible sister to her.I dun think i've fulfilled my responsibilities as a sister.I dun think i kept up to the promise and assurance i gave her on the day we agreed on becoming sisters.Things is different now for me.I feel so awkward.I really do.If only she can really read my heart and understand it.I dunno y its so hard for her to understand me.HAIZ..... :(
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:25:00 PM
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Sunday, August 10, 2003
Your words cut rather deeply,
they're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You'r obsessed with all my secrets,
you always make me cry
you seem to wanna hurt me
no matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
but somehow it gets to you
but I've learned to get revenge
and i swear you'll experience
that some day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
kinda invisible ... You don't sense my stay
not really hiding,
not like a shadow
just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
I'm not trying to avoid you,
just don't wanna hear your voice
when you call me up so often,
I don't really have a choice
You're trying like you know me,
and wanna be my friend
but that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
you may think that I'm a loser,
that i don't really care you
may think that it's forgotten,
but you should be aware
cause I've learned to get revenge
and i swear you'll experience
that some day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
kinda invisible ... You don't sense my stay
not really hiding,
not like a shadow
just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
kinda invisible ... You don't sense my stay
not really hiding,
not like a shadow
just thought I would join you for one day
You seem to wanna hurt me
no matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
but somehow it gets to you
but I've learned to get revenge
and i swear you'll experience
that some day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
kinda invisible ... You don't sense my stay
not really hiding,
not like a shadow
just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
but hey you can't see me
kinda invisible ... You don't sense my stay
not really hiding,
not like a shadow
just thought I would join you for one day
Ok..I sorta just got up..Sort of..I am so tired mann...I could hardly sleep yesterday..Haiz..What a life mann...Why do some people have to treat me this way.Do i deserve it?Sometimes I wonder myself...Finally this isthe end of the week...My whole week suck..and i mean suck mann...Already I have people treating me differently,people turning their backs on me,people i dunno how else to describe..And ADAM suddenly started calling me and will go like ouh nothing,i just wanna distur you...Suck mann..Big time...And then I get people I dunno sms-ing me wanting to get to knoe me.How much sucky can things get...As i sit here today,before my monitor,I am reflecting all that has happened to me..Things that was not supposed to happen but has happened and things that was supposed to happen but didn't happen...I still have questions unanswered though..I can't find the answer....Haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:49:00 AM
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Saturday, August 09, 2003
Finally i found the time for this. I was so busy. Well,not busy with school work or wat lah.I was just busy hanging around from place to place. Yesterday night i was at pasir ris park. Yes i was there.Well,i wasn't alone of course.Met nad and her family there and her cousins and stuff.But one thing that scares me is the way her uncle actually looked at me.Looked like as though i did something wrong.Serious mann.I noticed that.I dunno why on earth he has to gimme that look.It was ok lah yesterday night.Compared to the evening of course.I had a VERY sucky evening. Had scolding from nad of course for doing what i shouldn't have.But in the midst of anger,anybody is bound to do just anything,especially me being someone VERY hot-tempered.Yeah.I was kinda ok that night,but i wasn't fully ok.I still had that depression in me.Im still so depressed.I mean like why is everyone I care for turning their backs on me so suddenly.Why do they have to change now?Now when i need someone there.I thought they would be there but i was wroong.They never were there.How much worse can things get for me now?Anyway,i just got home from causeway point.I was there with my grandmother.My cool grandmother.I mean it.If you get to know her then you'll knoe what i meant.Being with her was cool,but being at causeway point isn't at all cool.It's so boring there though it is huge.But it is so bored.The shops there aren't interesting enough for me.They dun even have perlini's silver.And i always buy my gifts or stuffs from there.Basically i find causeway point bored cos i couldn't find perlini's silver.And the silver accessories they have there ain't interesting.It ain't eye catching.Argh...Enough of that.Im so tired.Had lack of sleep and ouh,i forgot that i haven't eaten...Before someone starts screaming i'll leave..Anyway,HAPPY NATIONAL DAY
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 5:11:00 PM
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Friday, August 08, 2003
Love,lust or trust?Which do u choose if u have to make a choice? At this moment i can't help but not to agree with any of them.It just hurt having to sit there watching your loved ones go in different directions enjoying.But what can we do?NOTHING!And why is that?Its because,they know what is best for them.They know what makes and keeps them happy.We may think that we are the one making them happy,but we are wrong.I made a BIG mistkae thinking that I have always been the one keeping my loved one happy,but I was wrong.Damn wrong. My loved one seemed happier in the presence of someone else and not me.It truly hurts me.Why am I not the one?Am I not good enough for you?What have I done to deserve this?I loved you with all my heart and you broke them just like that.I can't help it sitting there watching you go happily with someone else.I just break down everytime that happens.I know I can't make you happy,but why didn't you tell me so earlier?Why must you play with my heart and break it just like that?Now about lust.When I see you wlaking off happily with someone else,I have to keep my desires to myself.I did that many times but i can't seem to be able to carry on now.Not now.Not at the moment.I can't put myself back together again.I can't do that now.Not after you've left just like that.Left without a word and not without a smile.Trust?Can I trust you?Can I still do that after what you've done to me?It is hard though.Very hard.How can I trust to?How can I express my feelings to you when you'll be laughing out loud to what I have to say.How can I trust you that way?How?How?How?
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 2:06:00 PM
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