Friday, November 21, 2003
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Been some time since i last blogged. Internet connection at home is still down and i'm using someone's computer. Those days that i didn't blog was really terrible for me. It was one of those worse time of my life. MISERY is what i went through.As i sit here woefully in front of this computer i thought. Thought of those days that had passed.Those inflicts that i put my loved ones in. I was afflicted with people leaving me alone. I feel bad. Real bad. Sad, real sad. Pain, really painful. A serious argument i had with my dear bro a few days back.Of course i wouldn't be happy about that. Who would? Who would be ha
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:35:00 PM
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Thursday, November 06, 2003
Here's anotha day..Yesterday IISO's paper was kinda ok..targetted to leave exam hall at 4 but i left ten minits before 4...Im in scul..sapose to be studying for CMSY exam later,but i can't bring myself to study..nothing goes in this stoopid mind of mine...Soo many things troubling me though some of it i had tried to take it off...Hajar is still pissed at me for i dunno what..she still hasn't told me what i had done wrong...she still hasn't and im still waiting...Bugged her everyday to at least come and tell me,but she kept silent...i decided to not bug her anymore...bugging her would only worsen tha relationship tt began last year..But one way or another i feel that i am gonna lose her..I dun want tt to happen,but it will have to happen i think...i dunno if i can trust these feelings of mine..Only she can determine everything...
Yesh,and nadiah just got in this lab AGAIN...Feels soo nice to be disturbing her after sooo long...yah mann..been long since i last disturbed and irritated her...And she's happy about it..woohoo..!!!Nadiah,nadiah....(shakes head)....
Meeting nadirah later cos i need to get tha book and yesh i just remembered..ma letter....Shahnaz sms-ed me and 'ajak buka puasa' outside..on tha 15th..In conjunction of both fidot and her b'dae...of all places to go far east sia...tsk..tsk...can't she go somewhere nearer??but then right...there'll be 13 people ltogether...so like we will conquer the place arh...haitz...im done....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 1:14:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
And so here's another day....Another sickening day perhaps..Im dead sleepy to b honest...I had less than 5 hours of sleep....Haitz....Hajar sms-ed me smlm after reading my blog...Kinda shocked though cos like she messaged me sorta right after i updated it..And i dunno which word of mine is not right,now she seems soo mad at me...She wouldn't even say what i had done...How am i sapose to know then? Why isit that EVERYTHING i do is soo wrong to the eyes of everybody???Why??? Why do i always have to go around making people feel offended???Haiz....
For those of u who feel mistreated by me,i wanna tell u that i am truly sorry for mistreating u.I never had the intentions of doing so,but i just do not know what is wrong with me and my mind..I am so disappointed in myself for mistreating those whom i never intended of mistreating...I wish someone could tell me what was wrong with me,but noone did...Noone came to me to tell me what was wrong with me...Not even those whom i've offended....Why?Why can't ya'll just tell me to the face what is wrong with me?I am deserted in ma own world...World of sadness...Yeah,tts ma world...So ppl,u wanna come into ma world,think again..It's the world of sadness....
Haitz...!!!SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME AND TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:13:00 AM
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Monday, November 03, 2003
Haiz...Things hasn't been good for me...For Sadiq..ouh,ure still alive huh?Thot i wouldn't hear from u again..Lame right?I noe...But what to do...Waited like a stupid fool for a message from u...Nvm..Who am i anyway to know whether u're still alive or not rite?I m a total noone to u now wad...U prolly dun even remember my name...haiz...wat a life....But actually,i knew u were fine,cos SOMEONE ELSE had to tel me...yeah...SOMEONE ELSE....And u said u didnt take tt thang seriously..I dunno...At a certain point of time i could tell if u were lying thru ur words,but now,since we became soo distant due to dunno wad,i can't tell if u really meant it...I dunno dude...See..i dun even noe if i shud put 'bro' instead of 'dude'...cos like i said,i dunno who i am to u anymore...i really dun...
For hajar,well,it's been 3 days now...And im still waiting..i've explained to u wa i was saposed to...But since i regained my conciousness,i never got a reply from u till now...
For her,well....i dunno wad to say already...Life is totally upside down for me...And exams are already here...I really dunno wad to do....
For all three...Haiz....Why am i being treated this way huh???Why?????
For Nadiah,dude..how's d exams?u left early....hmm...I dunno wad else to say to u...cool huh??
It's the beginning of the exam...It sucked..as usual...im sure im coming back for supp paper...I can't do a single thang...My mind wasn't there at all...I dunno where it went and why...Haiz...Why oes my life have to be sooo sad at this point of time...???Why sia?Haiz.... I dunno...I can't find anyone to turn myself to...Noone was available at the point of time i needed someone...
And so Rizal wanna patch things up...No...i dun want that...At least i dun think so...Please lah...Stop bugging me like tt can or not??I am already troubled and there u r bugging me with all these things that i have not thought about yet...I dun wanna start it all over with u again and end it the same way later....Im sick of going thru all these pain tt i have gone thru...I am totally sick and tired of it...If u want me n u noe it's gonna end the same way,then just forget it...If u can convince me that it won't end the same way,i might consider it...I MIGHT only...i daren't say i WOULD....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:19:00 PM
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