Friday, October 31, 2003
Ok,so im not a forgiver...If tts wad u said u found out...If ts wad she said to u or at least wad she told someone who had told u,i got nothing to say but to accept it...I mean,if she was the one who said it of course...But then if she wasn't the one who said it,then i really dunno what to do...But jux to make it clear to u...I forgave her each time she does things to me...Even those in the past...Even when it REALLY hurt me and broke my heart to fine pieces,i forgave her...i can forgive...but to forget sth tt bad,it will take time...It may take a very long time becos this heart of mine is not healed yet...You can choose wad u wanna believe...If she said it to you personally,i will accept it..Prolly she has doubts with my saying...Yeah..EVERYBODY doubt my words and i dunno y..Why did they choose to doubt me...??i bet ure oso one of them rite?haiz...see....it feels like the WHOLE WORLD is turning their backs on me...do u noe how miserable tt wud be?how miserable it would be when people whom u love and care for turn their back on u....trust somebod else's words but doubt your very own words..Haiz...
I feel lost in my own world u noe...do u noe tt?Haiz...Im sorry for upsetting u yesterday by letting u see what u shudn't have..I shudn't have showed it to u..haiz....i noe ure sad...sad about what has happened..is there anything i can do to help u?i dun like the sadness in ur eyes...what happened between me n her is fate...not because of ur presence,or so u think...as long as she is happy,i too would be happy(on the outside)...i wudn't wanna show the hurt i have for i dun wanna wreck the bond both u n her had created together...tt very strong bond...but i guess i failed hiding the hurt...haiz....
Why does living on this earth have to hurt soo much??Sha sms-ed me out of tha blue n we talked things out...Yesterday was really a sad day for me...a very sad one indeed...when will i ever be happy?Is there any happiness for me in this life at least before i leave?haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 9:51:00 AM
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Thursday, October 30, 2003
Isn't it iritating when all of a sudden u feel sooo frustrated for no specific reason?ain't it irritating?Haitz..well yeah..tt's happening to me now..right at THIS very moment..I dunno werdup with me mann...It's sickening to suddenly feel this way...She messaged me this early morning...well yeah,one of those usual days..But i knew tt i was different in replying her messages...Totally different..She thot tt i was beginning to feel the bore in her messages,but seriously no...Im not beggining to feel bored with ur messages...Just that i dunno werdup wid me..Been this way since yesterday night...It's like as though i have lost ma mind...Everything i do seems so wrong to the eyes of my own..I feel tt i cudn't find anything right to do yesterday...I was like someone senile yesterday...Went in and out of the kitchen not knowing what i was looking for..Then came my room..I went in and out of it like nobody's business tho ma maid was already asleep...But the thang is...i went in and out not knowing what i was gonna do...I lied on the bed...Not even 5 minutes i got up again and roam around the house again...Yah...ROAM...like as though i have not been in tha house for a very long time to begin roaming about...Today,i dunno how things wil turn out to be..Prolly better,but prolly worse..i dunno...
I am missing some people right now..Some people close to ma heart...For my baby,i noe we met yesterday,but hey im missing u already.For my sayang,argh!!!im missing you...and for tt long lost one,i miss u,but i dun think u'll ever noe tt...i may mean nothing to u ANYMORE,but i noe who u are to me...The other day,haiz..i dunno...Figured i'd be happier seeing u,but i was wrong...I was totally INVISIBLE tt day right?INVISIBLE to ur eyes....
Anyway,i dunno...am i INVISIBLE to everybody???am i??i dunno wad to do already...Life is totally sickening for me wen i have to feel this way...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 9:32:00 AM
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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Alo!Im in scul...well,nth much...im just done wid printing of some stuffs...yeah....im dead bored ar..well...past few days went on fine...i sapose...well,it wasnt tt bad...everything is like u noe...i dunno..hehe...gosh.i dunno how to say it arh..it's working out fine between me n them...yeah...bof of them...but still i just cant take it tt she has to lie about things i wana noe...haitz...enough sadness dudes.....
Nad!!!Wen u want ur stuffs back???
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:41:00 AM
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Monday, October 27, 2003
Hmm...here i am again..somehow rather i jux feel totally different..can anyone tell me..why is there a need for hopes when u noe u wun get it???It jux piss me off n saddens me to the core when i hope n hope n hope n then it all crumbles to the ground...doesn't it hurt when what u hoped for dun come true?Sometimes my mind ask,y do i love u...y do i care for u...but above all tt..why YOU??why not other people..Why not other people who are willing to give me all i want..other people who are willing to fulfill my dreams and hopes and desires..Not just to know them n let them crumble to the ground..haitz..Life has been really dreadful dun u agree?it really has been terrible..
Maybe im demanding for too much,but...how can u say tt when u havent even fulfilled any of my hopes n desires?nt even one..so,i dun think im demanding alot from u...haotz...my life is jux meant to be sooo sad.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 3:01:00 PM
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Haitz..Been long since i last blogged...well,in fact,it has been long since i last went on tha internet..well..The days tt has went by wasnt good at all...seriosly not good..i was moodless most of tha time...very moodless...haitz..its tha beginning of tha fasting month..and i realised time passed by sooooooooo quickly..haitz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:00:00 AM
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Tuesday, October 21, 2003
In scul..waiting for tha time to eventualy pass by..If possible as quickly as possible..Im dying in school...Dying of boredom..waiting for nadiah to come..Apparently i am earlier than expected,which is sooo not me....Haitz!~Things ain't rite now...Everything is soooo wrong...argh....SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!!!!!PLEASE!!! Haitz...No use in screaming huh?
Anyway..it was ma presentation day for commskills yesterday...Well,oklah..It sucked.. Like i expected...I didnt say wad i was saposed to say...Prepared a speech and nothing from there came out at all..That's y i see no point in preparing tha speech.. Anyway,teacher said i looked more confident than i sound and i think it's damn true..I duno wad i said also...Kept jumping from one point to another...
It sucked yesterday..I found out that i need to go for a minor operation..That sucked to tha core sia...I'll see when i wanna go ar...Tho the doc said dun wait too long,but what tha heck sia..If i got time i go..If not..I dunno...Vision is soo blurred now...But what tha heck..I HATE GOING FOR OPERATIONS....Especially tha minor ones simply because u'll be awake throughout tha whole process...ARGH!!!!
We argued yesterday..Haitz...I dunno ar..I dun wanna comment on anything right now..My heart is still soo cold...Haitz...Im nw filled with worriedness...sadness...haitz..Life is never happy mann..Though there were happy moments i had..it's oways temporary...Why doesn't it last mann...The happiness lasted for that particular moment only..Haitz!~...Nw i have people i care for tellin me that they jux wanna die...WTF sia???!!!!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:25:00 AM
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Thursday, October 16, 2003
In scul's lab now.Today is gonna be a very pathetic day..a very pathetic one.Dun feel like coming at all,but i gotta submit tha bloody cmsy tutorial during lecture today..haha! Meeting her again later,i think...yah..sms-ing her now..muahahaha....
Saw her yesterday..haha!she cut her say..well,its short lah..but its cute on her..muahahaha..it really is cute...dengan dier pae giler²,kenalah tu...stayed by her home during maghrib...jealous sia..she lie on my lap on tha chair..the chair was sooo comfortable sia..i cud've fallen asleep if it was me who lied on tha chair... Jealous sia... Hahaha....ok...got class now..gtg.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 9:02:00 AM
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Haiz...school was a drag..i feel upset now...i dunno y...soo many things rushing thru my mind...all the things on my mind are just running round and round...i haven't been able to catch up to any of them...Time flies dun u think? It really does... I was happy then...I dun think i am that happy now....Why?Simple...Because,all that i hoped for no longer comes true...It doesn't anymore...It usta come true...But now,my hopes just vanish in the air...
I realise that i changed drastically...Changed towards EVERYONE...Hajar,nad... EVERYONE....I change as time pass by...I dun wanna change,but i guess,i just have to... To suit the needs of others who always make me cry... To suit the needs of those that i love...To suit the needs of those who always hurt me n always leave me questioning why and how...To those i've offended by my change,im truly sorry...I really am....I dun mean to make ya'll suffer by my change,but i gotta do this...I have to do this in order to cope with the well-being of those who always mistreat me..I have to...I am suffering now...Suffering to suit the need of those people...But i do not have a choice... I wish someone was out there to hear me shout,hear me scream....I wish someone was out there to see me weep,to see me suffer...I wish someone was there...I WISH..but fat hope...noone was there...Noone was there to hear me out or see me out...Totally noone...
I do understand that everybody has their own personal life to lead...I do understand that everybody is BUSY with their own personal life...But does a minute of those time affect u sooo much???Does it??I just need a minute from that time to show myself weeping,shouting,screaming and suffering..I just need a minute of your time...But haiz...I guess they don't have the saying, ' time is precious', for nothing huh?I know that i will just be wasting your one minute for all these right???All these that is not important to u...Probably they were never important to u huh? Probably i was NEVER important to any of you till what i do n all dun matter to u...I can just kill myself and noone knows...I can just cry my heart out n noone knows...Why??Because nobody cares...It doesn't and won't matter to you whether im dead or alive right?It doesn't make a diff does it?No difference in your life...You still have other people whom you care for more than me,myself and i...
Ouh,dun worry,i'm fine...I'm so so fine and cool with this...Yah..i always say that...Though i am suffering like hell and going thru a whole lot of pain and pressure from you,i always say that...I always say that I'm fine...Well,even if i wasn't,wad can u do?N-O-T-H-I-N-G...That explains it all...Like i said,there are others out there who is way off better than me...Better than me who is just some stupid and irritating mutha***ker who is just wasting your fucking time to listen me out...Back then,i have everybody to hear me out...But now??What do i have?Noone...Everyone left..Left me isolated and surviving this sorrows on my own..Only the wind was there to blow my tears away...Only the moon was there to see me weep my night away...And only the stars was there to brighten up my day with their sparks...But where were u?Where were you when i needed a shoulder to lean on?Where??Totally nowhere to be found...
I am totally helpless...And hopeless...And useless...Totally useless...I am lonely..Very lonely...I am sad...Very sad..I WAS happy...Very happy...But that was WAS...i dun have all those joys anymore...Not till u have to change and leave me all alone suffering thru my days...Yah...u got me right...S-U-F-F-E-R-I-N-G... That's the werd...Do u know how much pain i was being put through??Do u know tt?Do u know wad i see in you now??Do u know tt??Haiz...I wish i could say more...Well,i could...But i won't... I wouldn't wanna upset any party...I'd rather hurt myself this way,though i hate it sooo much, rather than hurting any party....
So..back off...Lead ur life the way u want it...Lemme be in this pain...Though i need the shoulda,but leave it...Come when u want,and don't come if u dun...I've been in this state for a very long time....Adding some more time to that previous time won't hurt right?I hope not...But when the time comes where i won't be able to handle it anymore....Well,sorry but there's only one word left to be said....G-O-O-D-B-Y-E...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 9:05:00 PM
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Friday, October 10, 2003
Day ain't tt great today...again i was a lazy ass...a very lazy one..haitz!~ We talked things out..n...argh..i dunno wad to say...she burst out in tears..darn me...and i cud do nothing...because im damn bad in consoling people...im damn bad at that...so..people...take note..if u cry...n still want my shoulda to cry on...u can do so..but dun say i didnt warn u...im really bad at consoling people...haha!yah...n gosh..she finds my stomach such a comfy..ain't tt weird?of all things..my stomach..the first person who ever said tt...haha..simply cos..she's the first person to put the head at my tummy..she was leaning on my tummy as i was standing..haha!she was sitting lah..tts y she can lean on my tummy...ain't it ridiculous if both she n me were standing n she leaned on my tummy...how's tt sia?nvr cud imagine tt...haha!
Yesterday was a total hell day for me...but know wad??i dun wanna talk abt it..haha.. :P ...the more i talk about it,the more pain my heart wud be..heart pain sia yesterday..bingit giler sak..dah bingit,gadoh ngan dier plak...lagi menjadi sak perasaan aku nie..tk ter-control lagi...sdh pun ader...bingit,lagi ader...argh!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:32:00 PM
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Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Haitz...There was no econs today...so,scul was sapose to start at one,but it was being brought forward to 12..which was soooo pathetic...i was late..muahahaha...n i was also drenched..haha....had the trial presentation for comm skills..it was damn pathetic..nearly everyone was crapping their way through...but thank god it's over nw..haha! Xueli was such an ass..well,has oways been one anyway..haha!nobody in the class likes her mann..she was in the commskills class early today n was the only one there...nobody went in until mrs brown came..haha!lame rite??
Anyway,met her today..she gimme a file,which she found cute...well,oklah..it was cute..haha!tanx yah..dun worry it'll be put to good use...it's like as though she knows all my file 'sarap' ready..haha!she fasted today..i had to control my hunger..haha!HAD TO...i mean..it ain't nice to be eating in front of someone fasting u know...
Dad was weird today...suddenly asked me out..as in sat at kedai kopi and all..it's just one of those UNCOMMON days...i dragged myself along though i was damn sleepy n was feeling very drowsy,cos got caught in the rain...n the worse part was tt i was the one who has to pay for the drinks...we drank twice somemore..shouldn't he be the one paying for it?but hey..lucky it's only $2.40..LUCKILY....ahakz!eh,shoosh...
Suddenly i feel like i miss him sia...dunno y...wads got into me?suddenly like i missed ah-boy..haha!i used to love him alot...but i HAD to let him go...still havent got over it...haha!now i m thinking back of the past...the past between him n me...the 2 years back one...n the one tt sorta just passed...argh..i miss him..he is still there for me wen i needed someone u knoe....he lent me his shoulda...if only he was still here,i'd be hugging him like fuck sia..haha!ok budd..enough...haha!aight then..
peace outz!~
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:11:00 PM
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Anotha day has just ended n it's the beginning of a new day..it's 12.16a.m now...haitz...im dead tired by now...but it's still early...argh!!!School was such a drag....a total drag in fact..but it was better than staying home at least..staying home would make me feel worse than i am now...haitz..at least when i came school,ppl were making me laugh..no matter how hard i try nt to laugh,they eventually made me laugh my wits out...n tha bloody wound hurts sia...argh...hate it wen in this kinda position sia...it's so difficult to do things...i feel so disabled....i can't bend down properly..i cant sweat soo much,i cant laugh,i cant cough,i cant..haitz..there are just soo many things i cant do..it'll just hurt more...
Here i am,blasting the volume of my computer speakers,repeating the same song over n over again..the sad one..haiz...it make me wanna cry..*sob*sob*...it's a malay song anyway...
Ku menangis,menangisku karna rindu.
Ku bersedih,sedihku karena rindu.
Ku berduka,dukaku karena rindu.
ku merana,meranaku karna rindu.
Song is so saddening..with the tune and all..it's slow somemore...haitz!`...why m i replaying it over n over again?i have no answers to tt...maybe cos i m sad at tha moment...im just feeling soo low n down...feel sooo under..im living my life in solitude...with noone i can turn to,noone to share hw i feel,noone's shoulda to cry on...use to have a couple of tt,but now..it all seems to have faded away...it's all gone..i wonder if any of them would come back to me..would at least one pair of shoulders come back to me?haiz...if i could explain,i would...but did any of u realise tt some things are better left unsaid...haitz...
Bae,well..u asking me for suggestions huh?lemme tell u....i duno when u began to realise the distance between us...hmmm...but..u know..im not tt sort who u know lah...u know i won't say out all these things to u..as in wad i have in mind..wad i hoped u could n would do...u know..tt kinda stuff...u noe rite??yah..so...well..i dunno..u jux dun think too much abt it...if it's meant to be this way,then let it be...i can't do anything..im totally crushed to the ground..noone has lifted me up yet..yah... i duno wad has pulled us this far..i wished i knew..but i dun...assumptions are not to be made cos i dun wanna accuse ppl of things which myte nt be the reason at all...it myte not even be relevant..
Hajar,well...how ya doin?anyways..u told me not to be sad..u know dear,if i could,i would...but i can't,so i won't...why do u wanna mrajok becos of my sadness?isn't it kinda ridiculous?I wished i didnt have to lead life in sadness,but my wish was not granted...life became a total disaster for me...n i mean total disaster...every nite,as i lay on my bed,i just stop to think..think of what has happened...u know,sth like reflections on life n all....yah...and i thot of wad myte happen next..isit gonna be sth better or sth even dreadful than this..i dunno myself..each nite,i feel like i just wanna cry..all these just make me wanna cry..cry my heart out...
Haiz..........................
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:17:00 AM
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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Day wasn't tt great..i felt totally dead yesterday...it just happens to be one of my worse day...especially in scul...gosh..i really didnt expect it to happen in scul..i really felt soooo suffocated in class n nearly dropped outside class...i felt weak..breathless....like i said..i felt dead..i was like numb all over,from head to toe..my wound hurts as i sat down...sickening rite?i feel so so sick...gosh..this is really getting bad...haitz!~
Anyway,it's their first day of the exams...gosh..didnt get the chance to ask how was it...i was totally out of my senses today..haitz!~ n yet there are sooo many unexplainable things on my mind...
Haitz....between me n you..i dunno wad to say...i know u r busy with ur stuff..n im cool wid it..i miss the times we usta have..the happy n good old days..i truly do miss em...above all tt,i really miss u..but there are jux things i wish i could say to you...things that i wish i could express out to you..things i wish i could be totally honest with you..but then...i realised...if all those is not gonna make us better in this relationship thang,then wads the point?i myte as well keep it to myself...i'd rather hurt myself than make it bad for both u n me...i dun wanna blame u n i will nv blame u for wads happening between us now..u noe tt well..wads happening between us now,haiz...i really can't comment on it...it jux hurts me to the core...the drifting away,the neglection,everything..it really has got to me...well,it got to me some time ago..but this time,it really really got INTO me...where were u wen i needed u by me the most?where were u wen i feel all alone?where were u wen i needed a shoulda to cry on?where were you all this while??where???where have u gone to?leaving me all alone leading this dreadful life of mine...i duno wads gonna happen between us now...do i have to blame myself again?i think i do...it has always been me anyway...me as the main cause for everything that happened between us...i never did thought that things would turn out this way n i never did want it to happen this way..but unfortunately one of us,im nt sure who..can be me,can be u..,made it happen this way....why??why does either of us have to make things this hard...?haiz....my life is meaningless without u..u noe tt...then y the distant?hw can i be totally honest with u?nt tt i dun trust u..i do..but they have a saying,'once bitten,twice shy..'...they have tt saying for a reason...i had enuf of being laughed at wen i began being honest...i dun like it...i nv did liked it at all...haiz....i wish i could just end my life now,but..haiz.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:30:00 AM
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Sunday, October 05, 2003
I hope I LOVE U all my life
I dun wanna run away,but i can't take it i dun understand.
If i'm not made for u then why does my heart tells me that i am.
Is there anyway that i can stay,in ur arms?
Cos i MISS u,body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And i breathe u,into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.
Cos i LOVE YOU, whether it's wrong or right,
And though i can't be with you tonight,
You know my heart is by your side...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:30:00 PM
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Here i am again..in front of my monitor...in sheer pain...moaning and groaning in pain...haiz....wad a life..well...suffering pain internally and externally too....emotionally and physically...haiz...too many thing is on my mind...just too many..too worried...argh...haitz!~...i am yet to doze off...just ate my medicines which includes painkiller...haitz!~ hope the pain would eventually fade away..if not,wads the point of me taking tha bloody painkiller sak...haitz...why sia this must happen...argh..i hate it when there's soooooooo many things on my mind..too many things till other things oso cannot go in...haitz!~..wad a life....i dun wana talk much cos i duno wad to say already...argh!!!~
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:17:00 PM
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Wednesday, October 01, 2003
gee..wad a day...for once i didn't sleep during IISO tutorial today.i would normally be fast asleep throughout the lesson..I didn't sleep despite being so tired and sleepy...Haiz..not a great day today..Scul ended early,as usual cos last lesson was CommSkills...Had nowhere to go cos she didnt sms me back.So i went to ITAS n met kak fidah...went to fill up a few things and then left for home...took my own sweet time back...
Things was very different today...Me,gillian and angela was exceptionally quiet....Something new for all of us...I mean,usually wen we all go and chill,there's just sooo much to talk about..but not today..things was totally different...haiz...
Tomorrow's another day..we'll just wait and see what happens...wait and see wat's up in store for us...haiz...im playing checkers with mahmud....he sucks..purposely made me play this game cos he knows i'll lose...such an I-D-I-O-T.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 7:33:00 PM
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