Friday, December 26, 2003

i'm gonna be dead!!Does anybody care??Hello!!! Haiz... What a life i've been living.Never mind.. One more year and it will all be through.But i can't end it that way. I have to go on further actually. I do not wanna desert some people.Oh no! What do i do?Haiz...
Hajar,i do not think u're pushing me too hard. It's just that,prolly i'm just being too emotional. I do not know. I dunno how to say it. It's like i dun wanna lose you,but i can't stand all this. It hurts me too much.It really does. I do not know what to do. Been tryin hard to keep up with you but i failed. Been a failure all this while. I failed. Failed in keeping u happy. And now that he is there,taking over my spot,i hope he wn't do the things i did to u.I know he won't.
Nadirah, haiz... Seriously,i do not know what else i should do. Is 1 more year gonna be enough for you?Haiz..I dunno. What should i do? Been working out these days. Is that sapose to be good? Isit sapose to be a good sign? I dunno.. Haiz... U noe i had a deal. Should i go along with it? I dunno...Haiz...
Sadiq,elo...!Been long hasnt it? Haiz... Feel free to sms me then...

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 4:06:00 PM

L K J

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

I am invisible. Does anyone knows tt? If u don't,now u do. I am just an invisible soul that has nothing to do but hurt people. Each time i think of it, i feel sick. Sick and tired of myself. Sick and tired of this life that i'm living in. I just feel like i wanna stop my life just there at that very moment. Sadness fills my life when i fill people's life with pain. I do not know why i have to go around hurting people. Hajar, u know what's best for you. You know what i had always wanted from you. It is up to you now to decide. If u feel u can no longer tolerate me,then just lemme go.It hurts me alot having to say what i just said. It really does. Why can't you just say it straight to my face? I really dunno. I thot when u got the hp, we could catch up on what we left out,but i was wrong. Very wrong. Each time i wanna sms you, i would think more than twice. Cos u would then tell me tt your card balance is low and so on and so forth. And i daren't sms u. I knoe u got other people to sms,but can't u just spare at least one for me? I dunno what's becoming of me now. I feel like i'm demanding too much from everybody. people, am i demamnding too much from you guys? Prolly keeping to myself is what you all prefer? Tell me. If u prefer it that way,i'll do just that. At this point of time,i HATE MYSELF. i really do. I am losing everybody right now. Everyone is so distant from me and what am i supposed to do? I thought about what i'm gonna do the whole day but still came up with nothing. nothing at all. haiz...there's so much i wanna say,but what the hell is wrong with me? i can't say it out. i dunno if letting my feelings out would be the right thing to do now,or am i just gonna hurt ya'll more?haiz...............

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:49:00 AM

L K J

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

For Sadiq, Hajar and Nadirah... I am sorry for making ya'll suffer with me. I know i shouldn't have done that. I know i should've considered how ya'll felt and ignore my own feelings. I know i chose the wrong road to lead. But i was also glad that in this road i had found the three of u, though i may lose ya'll. I do not know how to make it up to ya'll...I really don't...I broke your hearts and left it there to crush more. I do not know why i have to do that to your hearts. Having my heart to go through that alone should be enough.But somehow rather i dragged ya'll in it too. My heart is still crushed and broken. Though it slowly got back together,it breaks again before it was done. I dunno what kind of life i am leading. I do not know why i am still here also. Haiz....By the way, if ya'll wanna reply to anything here, just mail me at my personal account. Do not do it here cos i do not know when i'll be checking this thang again.And that includes Nadiah also. ARGH!!!!!!!

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:36:00 PM

L K J

Hajar, I am truly sorry for putting you through what you never did deserve. You never did deserve to get treated by me that way. I know now that Sadiq is now in the depth of you heart. I know. You do not have to deny that. I've lost the battle already. Eventually to him i always lose. Whatever i compete with him i ALWAYS lose. Especially battle of the heart. Everybody knows how much u need your bro. And i mean EVERYBODY, who knows the bond both you and him are having. They just come up to me and tell me stuffs which hurts my heart. It just hurts to hear what they say cos it'll just remind me of being a loser on this earth. I am the biggest LOSER on earth. That's why i am on the verge of giving up. Cos i lose in everything. I know i broke your heart MONTHS ago and have not mend it yet. But i really do not know what else I should do. Each time i try to be nice and say something nice to u, u call me a liar and just doubt me. Do not deny about that. I know so. Each time u denied, there is always sarcasm in your words. ALWAYS.You can call me a liar all your life but just do forgive me for all the pain i've put you through.But if u really can't,then don't. Don't force urself to it. Though i had told you that i do not wanna die a sinner, I just do not want u to force urself to forgive me. If u force urself, i still consider myself a sinner and would die a sinner. I know life has been exceptionally hard for you and i was never there when u needed me. But each time i wanna be there for you, there goes the common words from you. 'Kalau tak reply paham² eh. Kad balance dah low.'...Those were the very common words from you. And once i've began to stop sms-ing you, u never did message me to tell me you've topped up your card or something. So i'll just keep on waiting and wondering when i can message u again. I dunno. But it just frusts me when each time i wanna be there for you, you keep telling me the same reason over and over again. Nothing new came out from you. It is always the same excuse. But whether it is true or not,i do not know. But i know u would be saving that balance in ur kad to sms that other someone who is VERY important to you now. I know so. Now i don't even know how to tell you that i miss u. I really don't. At first, when u got your phone i was happy, that was why i didn't mind paying the balance for u. Happy thinking that we won't be so distant afterall,but i was so wrong. Wrong to have assumed that way.I never knew that i would only get a message from you once a week. And if i'm lucky it'll be twice. I never did expected that. You,yourself know how hard it is for us to communicate especially with your parents. As in what had happened in the past. I could've called you, but i do not want. I do not want you to get into trouble cos i feel that the trouble i used to put you through with your parents is enough. I do not want the money that i had paid the balance of your phone back. If ever the day, that you said would come, comes,do know what you meant to me. I would just regret being a loser. Tts all. I am sorry if my words had hurt you. I am very sorry. I know by now u would've been frustrated ar me. I am sorry for doing things that i did and for not doing what i was supposed to. Sorry.

Nadirah...Firstly,thanks for choosing to stay. Thanks for being one of those who had actually wanted to stay. I appreciate u wanting to acconpany me throughout my sorrows. But lemme just warn you about certain things. With me on the verge of giving up life, my mood swings is terrible. And i am VERY sure that in the later stage it would be worse. Are you prepared for that?Cos if you aren't, i do not see the point in you staying. With me not knowing my recovery stage now, i feel more like giving up life. Hopefully i can book out on 30.11.2003, tt'll be the second transfusion. That is IF i get to book out. If i don't,then i won't do it and keep on losing and losing, more and more...Losing on life.. Health is from bad to worse and i'm sure you know about that. I now tend to get more emotional and angry very easily these days. it'll be alot easier later. With the worse parts of my life coming up, i would wanna give up on life more. More easily than ever. I really do not see the point in continuing this life if everyone whom i care for desert me. I am sure u know how dreadful life is for me. I dunno to who i should complain to. Can't do that to sadiq cos he hates me. Can't do that to Hajar cos she'll doubt me. Can't do that to nadiah cos she herself is under emotional stress. And to you?I do not know if i can do it. I understand you have lotsa problems. Though there's nothing much i can do to help you, i hope you would think about what i have said to you. I know he still mean a lot to you but you are stopping yourself. Do not torture yourself this way. And your kakak angkat, she prolly wants another chance from you.Give it to her if u still can.Sure she'll change.About your past, well... I can't stop you thinking about your past. Those are just memories, remember that.

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:36:00 PM

L K J

Nadiah, u had wanted me to update this thang,so here i am. Haiz... Why must life be so hard? So hard on me? WHY? how do u get on with ur life when u faced what i am going through? I know u went through this stage ready, that's why i am asking u for help here. Help on how u coped with life nearly losing the one whom u love dearly. How do u cope with that? How could u go on with ur life 'smoothly'? I can't. I really can't. I feel so down sia... Nad, tolong aku nad... Aku tkleh tahan all this pain lagi arh.. TOKONG NAD.... Tolong aku... I am on the verge of giving up now. Seriously. This life is too painful for me... HELP?!

Sadiq,my bro... I am sorry for what had happened. Yes,i am egoistic and yes,i disappointed u.I am sorry. All because of a stupid message i sent to u. All becos of that. Prolly i shouldn't have sent that out huh? Haiz... I am still waiting for an answer from u. I still am. I know i have always mistreated u. Never appreciated u. I know and i am sorry. And u said something about hajar being disappointed too. Ya,it's all my mistake. I know. I never learnt how to appreciate. Im just another stupid soul who knows nothing about appreciating. I'm a very useless soul. Another sinner in this life. If somehow rather u had regretted knowing me and bringing me into ur life, i do not and will not blame u for that. I know who i am. Noone compared to others. Jux another sinner,like i had said. Life has been exceptionally hard on me. If only you had known what i was really going through. IF. Haiz... Now that u've got that other someone to care for, i only ask for one last favour from u before u decide to leave. I am BEGGING u. Please take very good care of Hajar for me. U mean a lot to her. She loves you more than anyone else,i know. Her feelings for me are no longer the same. She no longer feels the way she did for me in the past. It has changed. And u are getting what i used to get from her. All the love and care. Appreciate that. Do take care of her and do not break her heart like how i broke hers MONTHS ago. A broken heart is hard to fix. I'm sure you know about that. I tried and tried fixing her heart back but it just keeps breaking. It's just not giving me another chance to get what i used to get. It has passed. Be there for her when she needs someone cos she now turn to u only and noone else. She no longer turn to me cos she now doubt me. Just don't lose her trust on u ok? I know u mean a lot to her by her words. I know. Consider yourself lucky to actually have her speaking her mind out to you. She hardly do that because of one incident that had happened to her years back. Do treasure what you are getting from her. Just do treasure her ok?That's all i ask from you. I am sorry to hand her over to u in this kind of state. Just that i really do not know how else to mend her heart and she has already found someone new, so be it. I am sorry again.

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:35:00 PM

L K J

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

Been some time since i last blogged. Internet connection at home is still down and i'm using someone's computer. Those days that i didn't blog was really terrible for me. It was one of those worse time of my life. MISERY is what i went through.As i sit here woefully in front of this computer i thought. Thought of those days that had passed.Those inflicts that i had put my loved ones in. I was afflicted with people leaving me alone. I feel bad. Real bad. Sad, real sad. Pain, really painful. A serious argument i had with my dear bro a few days back.Of course i wouldn't be happy about that. Who would? Who would be happy if they got into a heated argument with their loved ones? Nobody. Exactly. He now hates me to the core.I wonder if he had hated me all this while. I do not blame him for hating me. I know i was in the wrong. All because of one message i sent to show that i hadn't forgotten him and had missed him,we got into an argument.Prolly i shouldn't have sent that message. But i really want to. Haiz... I know that i have mistreated him. In fact, he wasn't the only one whom i've mistreated. Hajar and Nadirah had also been mistreated. I was too affected by what i was going through.Everyone is leaving me one after another when i needed them badly. How could this be? Is this what they call life? One that comes into our lives would eventually leave. Is that really true?Would EVERYONE who came into my life leave me like that? For now I am sure that i will lose Hajar one day. Well, she told me the day will come. . Haiz... I never wanted that to happen. I dunno what else i gotta do to convince her to stay.What should i do?Haiz...And Sadiq, I do not know. Prolly i'll lose him too since he now hates me. So there goes two special people in my life. One whom i've known and cared for since middle of last year and one who managed to squeeze through my heart in April. Now both of em i am going to lose.Haiz...

crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:33:00 PM

L K J