Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Ok...today was kind of a different day compared to yesterday....i was less vulgar...i totally do not know wads wrong...felt very very lonely inside...i duno y..probably cos she suddenli stopped sms-ing me.haiz...i dunno..but...argh...i dunno lah...
gawd!!been repeating this malay song over and over again since this morning..i just can't make it stop..but it's kinda sad as i began to look into the lyrics word by word...Haiz...im soo tired....i feel so sick...just feel tt i could puke at any time...but y??i dunno...i feel so troubled by i duno by wad...she's doin her hw..im sapose to sleep,but i can't...darn...anyway,it's a good thing tt one load is off my mind...1 down,3 more to go...argh.
Didn't go for accounts again just now..i just dun feel like going..went off to the bedok reservoir at 2pm...was all alone...felt so deserted..i dunno why...as i was there standing still,thinking things thru,lili n rilla came...saw me...and asked me to sit and chat for awhile..well,yeah i did...till like 3...then we realised tt our fren was alone..i mean..their fren,faizah,was left alone...and me...nadiah..kesian dier...sorry dear,i totally forgot...my mind was totally somewhere else....
Well,ain't got anything much to say...tt shud be all then..peace..one love...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:02:00 PM
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Monday, September 29, 2003
Im in PAIN...TOTAL PAIN...and where is everyone when i need em???im in SHEER PAIN....argh!!!help...gawd...know...my tooth really hurt me to the core...it's just killing me inside....it really is....argh..haiz...it really hurts ok...iu can laugh at it,but it really hurts...haiz....
anyways,met up with her just now...after so long...yah...finally....ouch..the tooth...haiz...yeah..u know,i feel totally different today..i really dun feel like myself...turned into a nutcase...began talking crap to her...n i mean total crap...all those vulgarities just went out of my mouth like water..smoother than water running..it just went on and on and on and on..and i can't seem to stop it...gee...wad's got into me...im a different person today..and if this goes on,my life's gonna be a disaster mann...a total disaster...haiz...
I feel totally weak and numb all over today and i dunno y..i have no idea at all why i feel tt way..just feel tired..very very tired..is it time?i dunno..some say so...wen i told my frens abt how i was...u know feeling weak and numb all over...i dunno,they started scolding me n told me to like not scare them..but i wasn't..i was telling the truth...n they told me,to beware..beware of wad?they wouldn't tell...they just said tt if anything happens,i must call them...beware of wad?death?get real...well,maybe it is real,but hey...i just feel totally different today..it's just today..probably i overworked myself..i dunno...i was asleep in almost all the lectures and tutorials...
Sadiq's in hospital and he's still not out...can't look him up cos heard tt only his mum n dad was allowed...wads with the government mann??wads all this shit about???y be sso unreasonable mann...??not as though he's in the ICU or sth...gosh... government... can't do anything about it...wonder when he'll be out yah??hmm..i wonder...
Well,i feel like there's soo much i wanna say but it just won't come out of my fucking mouth..oops...there i go again..mann...u c wad i mean???i feel so like not myself...whaddup dude??whaddup??even now im tired....dead tired mann...haiz...probably i'll catch some sleep after im done with this..
My dear hajar...dear,i haven't been seeing u online for the past days...wer have u been???still there???i wonder how u're doing..just..well...worried for u...
Gosh..u made my day baby...u sure did...u r my lighter cos u lite up my life baby...this is for u baby...:
Alone i walk in the shadow,
In the dark house at night.
My face was filled with sorrows,
Who would be my light?
I remember who you are,
My angel in the night.
Though u now watch me from afar,
You make my day so bright.
When i felt my helplessness,
And that all my hopes are gone.
I had only to turn to you,
My shoulder to cry on.
Thanks baby for everything..u're worth living for...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 8:38:00 PM
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Sunday, September 28, 2003
stay home day today.cool huh?sth new ain't it?i know...well...life for the past few days suck..it really does...well,no troubled soul would lead a perfect life...haiz...i duno hw i wana say oso..life is terribly bad for me...i feel so crushed...haiz...well...y do i have to lead this kinda life?i duno..i realli dun..haiz...ain't got much to say....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 5:33:00 PM
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Friday, September 26, 2003
Here i am in scul's lab...didnt go for my lecture..haiz...even if i went i wont b able to concentrate...sth really troubling me..but what???i dunno..i still havent found out why im feeling all tensed up and uneasy...i really really don't feel good....gosh..what's wrong with me???haiz...i dunno...wanna say tt im still waiting for hajar's answer to forgive me,she already did..she forgave me yesterday....haiz..i really dunno watsup...and like i haiz...vented everything out to nadirah...argh!shoosh budd...just shoosh...i will..i will..i will shut my gap...i wont say a werd...i wont comment on aniting...i wont say how i feel..i wont tell if in hurt..i wont..i will shut up..i have to do tt..haiz...sorry peepz....im so stupid so as not understand such simplicity in her commands...haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:18:00 AM
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Woohoo...Morning everybody..it is 1a.m now...I cant bring myself to sleep..nadiah was right afterall...but then..i was really sleepy..reason why i couldn't sleep was tt im just worried abt her...
I told u i had a bad feeling...Suddenly i felt really uneasy...and am feeling it even now...Sth's amiss,but u just won't tell me what..what happened??why won't you tell me??Haiz....
Anyways,scul was such a drag...haha!seriously..it was slack day today...tomoro's worse...woke up at 8 plus today and scul's at 9..coolness...well,noone woke me up and mum actually thot my class was at 10...rushed to scul..Sat at the reservoir during break n thot things thru..Sadiq sms-ed and suddenly i felt guilty of certain things...cool huh??School ended at nearly 1...It was raining...Thot of taking the bus when i saw aishah...she asked me to accompany her in the lab...and i did,while waiting for the rain to like u know chill??...so there i was again walking home slowly at 1.45...Went straight home and didnt go out today..sth new huh??i know...Yeah...My nose suddenly bleed just now for god knows what reason..I didnt even know what happened...weird huh??Home was ok...chill out wen i came home cos like noone was home...there i was all alone...well...nadiah's troubled....wish i cud help...but beb,u know it's hard....very very hard.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 1:07:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Argh! Enough!!!Enough mom..Enough dad....Wad the fuck is happening now??ARGH!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...i said enough guys...haiz....y r u guys quarelling over someone who is an external party?we have no relations at all with them???Enough pleasee.....Enough telling me all this probs about these..i am pressured enough..i cant take it anymore...i have my own personal probs about my life...not u guys alone...please!!understand me....why make this family shake because of an external party???please lah..please...think like an adult...haiz.... Day suck...life??dun wanna talk about it...It has been sickening...very very sickening...yes...i am a troubled soul...a very troubled one.....haiz...
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:28:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Haiz...i dun think i wanna live anymore...was i wrong to make u wanna clarify things?was i wrong??haiz...everything i do now seems so wrong...so wrong to u...i know i have done alot of wrong to u...haiz...if only u knew what kinda life i had been going thru since tt nite...if only u knew what i had done...but haiz...werds dun express much...i dunno how else to prove to u..i really dunno...what the fuck is wrong with me?what?i am really pissing myself off...
Parents??!!!argh!!!!!they just make me worse than i am..haiz...need fresh air...need to take a break..a break from life...haiz.....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:04:00 PM
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haiz...everyone is fast asleep leavin me alone being awake..as usual...just as i was abt to laze eating...gastric has to come...argh!!!!it suck to the core...i really aint got the mood to eat...haiz...i really feel helpless...i rally feel like i've been turned away by EVERYTHING tt i have...which includes my life..why now?why?why must it be now wen too many things are loadin my mind making my head heavy..too heavy for me to move ahead..why sia??in scul i was already pissed at a fren...nadiah's 'BEST FREN'...ended up screamin at him in class...i didn't want to but i had to...he is tooo argh...i can't hold the werd...he's tooo fucking irritating and really testing my fucking patience..why are there soooo many people testing my fucking patience wen im bad at being patient???And everybody had to test it at the same fucking time...argh...sorry peepz...i just cant hold on to tt werd any longer...
Haiz...Ppl been playing and fooling ard with my feelings and it suck...u know...i can say a thing n mean anotha..like how i oways do..well...tts simple sarcasticity...but wen it comes to the matters of the heart,i see no point of being sarcastic...in matters of the heart,tts wen i mean every single werd i said...wen i said i love u,i really mean it...wen i say i miss u,i really mean it..wen i say ure in the depth of my heart,i mean it too...and...wen i say im HURT...i really really do mean HURT...i may be all sarcastic n comlicated...but there are things tt i really do mean..matters of the heart is nth to be made fun of...really nth..it's nt fun making fun of the heart...really isn't fun at all...haiz...
Sometimes ppl just misunderstand me...i wasn't making any comparisons..i didnt even hv the intention to..i was just puttin an example there afraid tt u may get the qn wrongly..haiz...but then...evything turned out wrong...why does fate have to come upon me this way??haiz...Life is sickening...School's a problem...there's alot more at home...and haiz...nt forgetting matters of my hart...haiz...wads more??/c'mon..give it all to me..lemme take up every challenge so tt i can ust give up on life like tt...haiz...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:45:00 AM
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Monday, September 22, 2003
im still waiting...waiting for her to forgive me...i hope she would....but i dunno if she would...all i could do now is just hope tt she would....haiz..if she doesn't...haiz...tts a different story...haiz..i would then have no comments...if she wants it tt way..i'll just have to let go...she decides her happiness...if nt forgiving me would make her happy...haiz...i'll just go with it though it hurts the heart...haiz....life totally stinks...haven't been coping well in studies these days...slacking ard with a troubled mind..but noone knows...my mind...totally disturbed...too disturbed tt i dunno wad exactly is troublin my mind now....tooo many things troubling my mind...haiz..wad a life....can i just end it???can i???can i???i wanna rip myself apart...peel my skin off...let my blood drip...i wanna do all tt..i really do...haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 6:28:00 PM
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Sunday, September 21, 2003
u:i can forgif u... but i guess it will take tyme
me:hw lng?
u:i myself dun noe
me:haiz...
u:i wish i can forgif u now.. but it juz hurts to tink wad happen
If u can't forgive me...u have to lemme know..u have to...and once tt happens...i wouldn't ask any further qns but will know wad u mean...n wad i have to do...i wun push u to anytthing....haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 4:51:00 PM
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Im crushed...totally crushed to pieces...wad have i done??it hurts me doin wad i had done...haiz...if only those ppl whom i love could really really understand me..in a matter of minutes i hurt the ppl tt i love..hajar probably wudn't even wanna talk to me anymore..argh!things is really bad for me...i just feel like peeling my skin off me...how shud i punish myself?i'll think abt it...i will definitely come to a conclusion soon..very soon...the worse thing is tt i upsetted hajar on her bdae...NO!!!!how can this be....haiz...i feel like a total sinner...i am a total sinner...a big one...have always been one...why do i have to do this sia...i wasnt there wen someone needed me so much...cant believe this...wads to become of me...haiz...a sinner like me dun deserve bein on this earth...haiz....i feel totally bad...im really crushed...haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:56:00 AM
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Saturday, September 20, 2003
It's my dear hajar bdae today...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR....i didnt forget ok..how can i forget...well..to be honest i actually did ar until someone asked me the other day...my brain this mth totally shut down sia..i cant remember who else pae bdae this mth...im serious...sorry k...but hey...now i remember ward...haha!anyways dear,i wish u all the best in all u do..may u succeed in life...study hard n stay happy by ur loved ones...make sure ok.....take care always...MUAAAAHHHHHH.......
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 2:42:00 PM
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Thursday, September 18, 2003
In class...Im sapose to meet her later...But i dunno...she hasnt replied...she sms-ed me this very morning..sorry i couldn't get up.I didnt feel the vibration of my phone cos it wasnt under my pillow...it was near to under the pillow..haha!so i couldnt feel any vibration...sorry...anyways,i have to do my AFD for this IISO thang...haiz...my leg suck..strain tha stoop muscle..now got trouble lifting the leg up..haiz....argh!!!it hurts so much mann...haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:16:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
in class...sapose to be completing my tutorial but serious aint got tha mood...haiz...thinking of her...havent been replying to her msgs....am i doin tha rite thang?am i?am i?i duno...wad shud i do??i really cant tahan bein silent ar..i really cant but then rite..i dunno y im doin it...haiz...maybe i was just tooooo hurt..hurt by her....pain fills my heart..it really does....y cant she understand me like him?i know her first yet he understands me more...he can tell whether things is goin out right or wrong for me just thru my sms-es...but y cant she do tt?i expect her to be able to do tt more than him but my expectations is so wrong...very very wrong...she just dun seem to understand me anymore...wad happen to the her tt i use to know?she is not the she tt i usta know...y did she have to change?change towards me?y?y?y?
Sometimes i just wonder...do i really deserve to b her sis...do i??i really wonder...if i do,then y treat me this way???why??why???why hurt me in this manner and leave me in pain..leave me going thru all this pain all alone..what have i done wrong towards u to be treated this way?ok...i know i did many wrong towards u...i know i did but u said u forgave me...u said tt...what isit tt u dun forgive abt?ok..my english suck now...anyways,wad isit tt u cant forgive me till u have to treat me this way?i feel really neglectd...like how nadiah agrees...neglected by u...wad m i to u?wad?maybe i dun deserve u huh?haiz.....................................
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 1:36:00 PM
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Just as i thot...my day was really miserable yesterday...Very miserable indeed...ok..i just finished talking to naz..she's a great fren u knoe..really is...knew her since primary scul...i sorta like let out evrything to her...how i feel and all..how hurt i was and all...she asked me to just forget it ar..she noes tt nad is precious to me in one way or another..i cant deny tt...she dun want me to like destroy this sister² relationship wid nad cos she knows i'll feel worse if tt happens ar...she asked me to talk things out to nad...but naz...i can't do tt...u know me...it's just the way i am..i just seem to have difficulties wen it comes to matters of the hart...im weak wen it comes to tt.very weak..i can't talk out all these...i just can't...its just the way i am...and furthermore gerl,i dun wanna hurt her by telling her how hurt i am by her treating me this way...i've asked to be understood,but it just aint happening...no change...i know t hurts u to see me hurt...n this is u as a dear fren to me..wad abt nad..how wud she feel then knowing tt im hurt by her somemore...how wud a dear sista feel if she knows how hurt her sista is by her own actions?tts wad i oways tot of..she'll definitely feel worse...alot worse...tt oways hold me back from telling her tt im hurt by her...it just hold me back from wer i started off...she chooses not to understand me..wad can i do...no matter wad i wun tel her cos i cant...i cant bare the hurt,pain and sadness in her..i cant bare to see all tt thru her eyes...i really can't..it'll just hurt me more...n now..im refraining myself from sms-ing her....i cant go on...i really can't...it hurts me wen she sighed...sighed cos of me...i realise tt all these while i have been mistreating her n making things worse for her..i realise tt...maybe i deserve this neglection from her..maybe i do...tho im not prepared to be neglected by her yet...maybe she is paying me back for wad i've done to her...i dunno..i dunno her motif..i dunno why she changed drastically...i really dunno...hurts me to see tt change...haiz...i can't go on my life like this..this is really bad for me..thigs is really bad for me...really really bad...my heart shrank wen all this happens...haiz...its not ez to heal this heart of mine...my heart,in fact everybody's heart,is as fragile as glass...n it's not ez to fix back once its broken...n sometimes it can never be fixed back..tho i shed my tears every nite...even now as i write this...i dunno if she knows..tts not the thing..i dun even know if she even cares..probably she dun cos i am afterall a stranger..been a stranger to everybody's life...so...my life just gonna continue with tears and pain in my heart...selagi aku tkda guts nk blang dier nie sumer n slagi dier tk paham perasaan aku,aku akan merana cam gni ar...tho it will take forever...let it be then...maybe my life is meant to be this way...haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:52:00 AM
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Yesterday was history n today's gonna be misery...What a way to start of a day...It's tough having to start off the day feeling damn miserable...Haiz..wad do i do now?I miss my dear now..I really do..Haiz...Dear,if only you could understand me..The pain and pressure i'm going thru...The kinda of lyf i have...I wouldn't ask much from u...I daren't ask much from u either...It's ok if u can't give me the kind of happiness i really needed.It's ok tt u can't cure the pain in my heart...But all i ask is to at least undestand how i feel..Understand wad im going thru.I dun expect u to be there for me 24/7..I wont even expect u there actually cos i told u tt lately i feel neglected.Neglected by u...But if u were really there,i'd be glad of course...Haiz...Please!!!understand me...Please.....
Anyways,i'm kinda sleepy but i can't put myself to bed and i dunno y..Sickening mann like this...Haiz...What im going thru really has made mt life upside down totally...Gawd!!I wanna go n get sth to keep me fresh..Aights...till nxt tym ya'll...Peace outz!~
~True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does~
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:29:00 AM
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
Love-
It is not a word, nor a single action.
In truth, it can never be wrong
Like the sunrise, perfect in every possible way.
It is many things and yet it must exist
In the small space of the heart.
Once found it can bloom endlessly, with no cease.
It can choke one's throat, bring one to tears...
But it never hides in shadows or in darkness
It never feeds itself on deception.
It grows with trust, honesty and compassion.
Nothing less, always more.
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 7:48:00 PM
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Daddy's bdae today..Yesterday's was ma beloved uncle..haha!!Everybody was at ma house makin a whole lotta noise...Sickening..But hey...there was lotsa food ok...but i didnt eat tt much tho..I sorta ate the leftovers cos i was only hungry after everybody finish eating..haha!Nad's in camp at jalan bahtera,wherever tt is..I heard tt name before but i can't recall..She sms-ed me yesterday nite when i was about to go out..Came home late though...Ahakz!~She'll be back tomolo..Knoe wad?I dunno wad to write sia..ahakz!~catch up again...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 6:07:00 PM
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Friday, September 12, 2003
Today's just like the other days..Nothing new...Anotha bad day....It hurts the heart when ur hopes and desires are being broken doesn't it???Tts hw i feel...Wads more..it didn't happen once..took place twice...on the same day...haiz... My dear,if ure reading this,this is for u...Look...if u feel tt i make ur lyf miserable,u have to tell me...I know i am a total stranger being in ur lyfe,interferring ur life and all..I know a stranger does not have the access to do all tt...As a stranger i do not hv my rights over u...I am just a total stranger to u..Though it hurts me having to say like tt,it hurts me more having to feel tt way.I long to see ur face,but i just told myself that i wud not like u know ask to meet u...This is because,apparently i got frustrated each time u answer either dunno,anything or not free...im just frustrated with u answering tt way ready.Ur answer made it sound like u forced urself to meet me when u dun want to...And i do not like tt...Dun like u to force urself into things u dun like...I will now wait for u to ask me to meet u,which i know won't happen.If u really miss me,u'll look for me...If u really miss me,prove it...I dunno wad isit in me tt i lack until it's hard for u to accept me in ur lyfe not as a stranger...haiz...my hopes,desires and hapiness went down the drain already..i dun hv all tt ready dear...not anymore...u dun even noe wad kind of life im having now...bt i dun blame u,cos i am a stranger...haiz...my days ends with tears in my eyes...haiz....but u jux dun understand..why isit so tough for u to undastand me?haiz...i miss u badly,but...haiz...dunno wad to say...i gt no more hapiness... :'(
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 2:37:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Finally home...And as soon as i got home,my dad needed to talk to me.Haiz..I hate my life...I dunno.What my dad told me...Haiz...I dunno...Looks like my mind won't be in peace afterall...Haiz...How am i gonna survive this way...Haiz...I dunno...I better not say anything out cos i realised tt some things are better left unsaid...Many ppl has access to this and i'd like to keep this to myself...I dunno..Probably till everything's alright,i'd spend my time when i'm alone thinking things thru..Like how i oways did...I just hope i won't resort to anything when i can no longer take it...Haiz......My life really suck....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 7:28:00 PM
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In scul now...Nothing to do.I sorta came in early for like this lesson and teacher's not here yetNOT YET..Been walking to scul and back home again since Monday.Good exercise huh?Hahaha!It ain't tt far u know.At least i dun think so.Haha!Nad's coming back today..Haha!I'll be waiting patiently though i can't be patient anymore.U noe me..I'm not at all patient..haha!Tt is so me..Gawd!!I ran out of what to write ready...Think i better go off before i start making ya'll crappier than i am.I am afterall the crappy pwincess...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:59:00 PM
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Monday, September 08, 2003
Hey..i realised it's been a long time since i even get into this thing.Amazing huh?Ahakz!~ Anywayz,things have been different now.Alot different.If i wanna say i'm happy,well,i am not..Not at this moment at least.Just missing someone so much.But i know and hope tt the someone out there that i am missing is having a lot of fun and is happy...Well,Sadiq is like mr nice guy to me now.Well,he has always been a mr nice guy lah,just that i never did took notice.Not tt i didn't want to,but due to some circumstances,i pretended not to care.PRETENDED.Apparently now things are different,i take into consideration of everything that is happening.And i mean everything.Do u believe it i tried to stop smoking for the sake of some people's happiness???Gawd!!!And i went through alot.And i mean alot.Went through all the consequences.Well,i must admit that i have not stopped fully cos sometimes my body just can't take it and i just feel so weak..And like u know..in order to prevent anything worse to happen to me while im outside,tts the thing tt i resort to..Haha!I'm saposed to be like printing my note,but what the heck.Save ink ar.I can print it in school..Well,term break was last week and the week before tt was test week..Dun ask me abt it.I screw up all four papers and i really mean it.I can't explain how bad and down and troubled i was during the test week.I can't get my mind to focus.Other things kept appearing over and over again disturbing my mind.Holidays was...Haiz...dun even wanna mention it...Haiz...Well...till next time,im sorta running out of time.I got things to do mann...Catch up again.Peace!One love!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 11:39:00 PM
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