Saturday, February 28, 2004
ARGH!!!IM IN PAIN!!!REAL PAIN!!!!ARGH!!!
To tt someone...Yes,im sorry for listening to what they had said...I truly am..But how would i noe tt they are not related to you at all?How do i know tt?Can u see me??Can u see the pain and tears behind this smile of mine?Why can't you understand it?You know you mean alot to me...You know tt dun u??DUN U???But i had no other choice...What if they were really related to you?I am sorry...I said sorry right?Whether or not u'll return is up to u n not me...Like i said...
If the person whom you love comes back to you after you let go,the love is meant to be.But if your love doesn't return,tt person is leading a happier life... I noe at the moment u r in a confused state..I noe...I noe u r oso thinking about him..Well,good to hear tt u're moving on to love someone else...Well,i have no comments on tt..It's ur happiness isn't it?U sounded like u'll be happy..If you're really gonna be happy,go on....When i read your blog..The way you talked abt tt someone....Well,i am happy for you..At the same time i'm worried...If it so happens tt you'll come back to me,will tt someone ever be able to understand how much u mean to me?Will tt someone even give me time to spend with you?Or will i have to go through the past again?Or isit gonna be worse than the past?I dunno...If you're gonna say let fate decide everything,then i..haiz...forget it...At this moment,i am still waiting...Either u return or say the word...But i have this feeling tt u'll say tt werd...Just dun wait so long...Or applications would be closed....I am sure you'll lead a happy life with tt someone if tt someone becomes yours...Ntah asal my hati nie macam berdebar-debar when i read your entry...I dunno...Tell me honestly,thru sms is this love fading away?HONESTLY..I want an answer from you....Soon...An answer soon.....I want it...Dun make me wait....haiz.....
By the way,im goin home..Yes dearies,i havent gone home...i Daren't..After wad has happened i really dun dare go home...Haiz...I dunno why..But i have to lah..Why hit me when i'm weak?Why?Why from the back and not the front?ARGH!!!!I FUCKED UP MY LIFE!!!!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 5:46:00 PM
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Friday, February 27, 2004
~**For You are the reason i chose to live,And now i am the reason for wanting to leave.**~
I left...I left with only the saying GOODBYE..I never thought i would say tt but apparently i had..I am so sorry my dear...Very very sorry...Circumstances made me do it...I had my happy moments with you and you had yours. Not that i don't want it anymore,i do...But..haiz... There were people out there..People RELATED to you who didn't like me bein with you.... What can i say? If they were not related to you i would've just put it aside...But they are apparently people who are somehow related to you..Now u tell me what to do? You know i love you..You noe i do... I dunno how my life would be now without you.. Well at least u can get someone to replace me but it's hard for me to find someone who can replace you..You changed me..You moved me..You made me see the reason to move on with this useless life of mine...You know i find my life meaningless since i found out tt i am sick..You know tt...Especially when the docs tell me the estimations of my life...But because of you i went for all appointments...Because of you i ate my medicines on time...Why?Because u make my life worth living for..Because of you i no longer touch tt drink..Because of you i left my members...You changed me and i wanna thank you for tt...But now tt you are no longer here,i will only be expecting my time...The time...You know what i am talking about...There were more than just reasons for me to leave you..You know that..Some reasons tt i had told you were basically small matters tt i could eventually compromise with...You know tt...You know i'd do anything for you..But when it comes to someone who is in one way or another related to u,i dunno wad to do already...Prolly the person dun like me being close to you...Prolly because u spend too much time with me...I dunno...Prolly cos u spend too much time with me and not them...I dunno..I dunno why they dun like my presence in your life..Now you tell me wad i am saposed to do...Because of those people,i realised tt i have always been ruthless to u..I have been unreasonable to you..It hruts me when they keep telling me that i hurt you...It hurts me having to hear them say why am i always hurting you the same way..It hurts me more when they ordered me to leave you....Am i sapose to go to them and say
"NO!I dun give a fuck to what you say..I'm not gonna leave..."..Am i sapose to say that? At tt point of time when i heard tt,tears just wouldn't stop flowing..It goes on and on like the river...What if they are more precious to you than me? I have to think of tt dun i? I came up with all that stupid reasons for you..So tt you wouldn't know the truth....But i can't just lie to u..I can't..I always tell myself this...
If the person whom you love comes back to you after you let go,the love is meant to be.But if your love doesn't return,tt person is leading a happier life...
Hajar,i need you my dearest kecik..I need your shoulda to cry on...Where are you??I can't find you..Help me my sweet lil' pie...I only need a shoulder to cry on..I only need tt..Where is EVERYBODY when i need a shoulda to cry on?Am i sapose to cry on my own?Am i sapose to drench my own clothes with my own tears?Am i sapose to do tt???ARGH!!! why did my life turn out to be this way?Why?????
"I'm on my knees and i'm BEGGING god please...Take away this pain tt i'm feeling COS IT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME"
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:49:00 AM
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
My days are cold without you.did u knoe tt?haiz..
Dear Hajar,
I am sorry for blowing up at you last friday..I really didn't mean to especially when you're in tt state.In a state of confusion and anger..I really am sorry..Just tt each time i hear the phrase that u said, would be hurt..Terribly hurt...Lucky i managed to keep my mouth shut,or else,i would've said the same thing i said to her...And tt wud be
"there never was a right time"..I am sorry my dear..I really am... At the point we parted after u met u dad,i knew u would not be fine..And i know it has to be cos of me..Not tt i didn't wanna eat,but it's just a promise i made to myself...I am sorry once again my dear...If only you could see the tears in my eyes..And hear the fakeness of my laughter...
Dear Nadirah,
I am sorry for making you blow up...I didn't know that he didn't message you and tt u were waiting for his msg..If i had known,prolly i would've kept my mouth shut..Perhaps i was wrong to go telling you about him...But i thought..Never mind lah..Forget abt my thoughts...I know that u care for him alot...But never did i expect him to msge me instead of you..If you think that i am taking him away from you,lemme tell you that i am not and i do not have the intentions of doing so...I dunno him as much as you do...Why would i do such a thing to you?I know i've hurt you countless times and i dun wanna hurt you again by making you think that i am taking him from you.I would rather leave than take him away from you..He needs you and you need him too...You know that i know that,so i won't do a thing..If you want,i will stop replying his messages if that would clear you doubts...I am sorry...
Dear world,
I have decided to move on... I cannot just rely on one person.I realised that..The silence that i got made me realise who i am..What i had done to myself made me see the people who truly care for me...But i still dun understand something..Why do all these happen after so long?Why didn't it happen earlier so i wouldn't have hurt the one i care alot..Why only make me realise that the people whom i love do not need me now?Why now?After all these time?Why?All these while i had loved the people i love and hurt the people i love...And all i get back is a piece of shit! World,did u know that the people who had eloped from my life in the past is now back? One by one is turning up at the doorstep of my heart seeking for permission to enter?Should i accept them all or just accept some and tell the rest to fuck off?Or should i just tell all of them to fuck off and die?I dunno world..Though i am still upset about them eloping for a very long time,i just do not have the heart to tell them
"sorry,you're not welcome back"..I dun even have the heart to tell them that i was hurt by their absence...What do i do now?I don't know...World,i need your help here..Can you help me?
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:30:00 PM
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Friday, February 20, 2004
Day 3..And i'm still waiting for a miracle to happen..yes..i m stupid...but i'd rather be this way..Haiz...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:14:00 AM
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
I never knew there were others who eventually care for me. When i say otherS,i mean alot more than i expected... The line
'I care for you' from someone out there gave me a shock. And the line
"Don't do it! For my sake PLEASE" too made me realise tt there are many who care for me...Why is tt so? Why do people care for me? Who am i to u? I am just someone who ALWAYS mistreat people...Haiz..
All this while i have been acting...Acting to be happy,but did anybody ever know how much it hurts?It hurts soo bad...So damn bad...I'd rather die than live through this kind of pain in my life...Why am i being treated this way?I wonder..Not a single word from u...I wonder why...? Seeing tt reaction hurts me alot...I was there simply because you had wanted me to fetch and i was there... The reaction i saw the moment u passed the gate made me wanna move back..Back to where Hajar was,but i do not know why i didn't turn away... Didn't even looked at me..Now where are you trynna head? If u trynna head out of my life,why dun u just say it to me?Probably i'll be able to accept tt...But if u trynna head out of my life in silence,tt i can't accept..Never will i be able to accept such a thing...You wanna remain in those silence? Please...Do carry on.. Come and find me when u think u need me then..Since now u dun need me and prefer to be silent,carry on with it...Ain't stopping you...I dun ask for much..But does a message a day kill? At least i know tt u're ok..Can't believe that a message a day is soooo difficult...Haiz.... Where am i gonna head in my life now? Should i just turn around and go back to the time i didn't know you,or shud i skip a step and go on to the next? I dunno....You noe...You mean alot to me,but i dunno why i am getting all this torture..But like the phrase at the end of this entry,i refuse to blame u. In case u dunno,the phrases at the end of every entry is for you.. Haiz...I do not and will not regret knowing someone who has touched my life in many ways...Someone who has changed me to the better,in the past...Though feelings might just vanish one day, i will never have regrets...Haiz...
Now this is for you:
mungkin aku terlalu berharap akan cintamu
aku pun mengerti
bila engkau tak menginginkanku katakan saja
penantian ini membuatku tak berdaya
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 3:06:00 PM
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Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Boredom fills ma life...Chatting to the dearest ziza and aishah and nadiah..
Yesterday,i screw up the stats paper...Well,this is soo me...Screwing up every paper hoping that i'd eventually fail...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:34:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Took this from somewhere and it's for someone...
As I sit and stare into space
Thinking about just you
Tears roll down my face
Because I need you
You were such a great friend
I trusted you with everything
It was a daily trend
I could tell you anything
But now you aren't around
I don't even hear from you
I'm always so down
I no longer know what to do
I wish I could just see your face
And hear your voice
But I know there isn't really a chance
Cause it isn't my choice
I dunno know if you actually understand
How much you meant to me
On my feet you helped me stand
Without you, where would I have been??
You were by my side
Through all the rough times
It was me you were always beside
The way you helped me find
But now that you aren't here
I'm so lost without you
I miss having you to care
And not having you to run to
I wish you were right here
To help me to through all of this
Like you once before you were
It's you I truly miss
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:32:00 PM
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Yesterday,suck big time..First,i screw up both my papers.Then i had a hard time with her...A real hard time.I screw up my whole day..Haiz..
To that someone,tanx for listening out to be.Tanx for being ma pillar.I noe i made a whole lot of undesirable tinx to u,dun deny tt, but u noe u're still in ma hart..I'm still trynna mend my ways...Hope u'd be patient...Haiz...Like i told u yesterday,i dunno wad to do already...I really mean i dunno..Life's been hard and harsh, but there aren't anybody to help.Haiz...
Why is it so hard?Why is life sooo complicated?Is there gonna be any moment free from complications?Is there?Is there gonna be a time where you'd really understand me?Understand the real me?Understand the pain i'm goin thru?It's been a year plus and you still haven't know the real me...werdup? Werdup with our lives? Gosh,i know times is bad, but aren't we sapose to stand by each other during these times?Aren't we?Haiz...Forget it all.. This ain't going anywhere...
As i am blogging,i am also rereading my past mails. Those words and all just make me reflect on the past...Those moments we shared..Those times we were there for each other.Those times where u actually understood me. The times that i could happen again.At first,i had the hope that things would return to the past,but as time pass by,i noe that it would never happen.The change is too drastic...And i do feel that those mails might mean nothing already..All those werds..All those promises..It's just different now.. Very diffeent.I feel hopeless...Helpless...Useless...When i read the past mails,i realise i was much of a help...But that was in the past..Now,i am totally nothing...I do feel nothing though u keep telling me that i am at the top.But do u really mean it or are u just pulling my leg..You dun lie to me..Please...Dun play ard with my hart..Dun fool my feelings around..Please..If your feelings have changed,just say so...Just say it...
...i stil miz ur kisses n hugs n our meet.... sometimes my mind ask if those thots still come to ur mind..Only to realise i was such a fool to be ushing you ard...In the past,i changed due to some circumstances and you said you couldn't adapt to it,so i changed back..And now you are haiz...changing?Or isit me?I dunno...Should i change back to whom i was when the first triangle popped up?Should i?Cos this is the second triangle..haiz...
~**For You are the reason i chose to live,And now i am the reason for wanting to leave.**~
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:24:00 PM
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Monday, February 16, 2004
Hey people! I'm back. Anyways, my days haven't been that good mann...Hajar,forget the cokelat?u asked me to get it for u,now u asking me to forget.What seh... Anyways,did ya'll noe tt i dunno wad's there for me to write?haiz...
If only i could turn back time... I think i miss him sia... At times,i just wish he was there by my side spending time with me like how we use to. At times i do feel lonely, and noone would be there and suddenly my hp goes beep beep n it's him... Sometimes i just wonder how come his messages always come in at the rite time... I can no longer rely on some people cos they got other things to think about...Though it hurts when they aren't there for me,but it's ok.... People too got their own life to think of.Am i right??? Anyways i am yet to get a gift from him.Haha! People...Do u noe tt i'm anaemic?Cool rite?Haiz....Dun wanna talk about it...I screw up my NMM paper already...Waitin to screw up the next..Haha!It's sooo cool screwing up ur papers....Haiz....
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 1:10:00 PM
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
I'm on two days MC and it ain't cool.But i'm now in school printing out my NMM proposal. Met Hajar yesterday...Sent her home and all..Then at the interchange i met soo many people...Including nadirah...Sent her home too..Then i went home cos i realised it was time to eat my medicines..Lame! At home,did my proposal..It was just touching up lah... Teacher gave me till friday to submit...So,i touch up here and there.Haiz... Next week is test week..Darn..dunno if i can make it..Haven't been in the mood to study lately..Although i did all my tutorials, the formulas are all gone now....What a life...Comm skills solution to be handed in tomorow and i dunno a single thing about it. Darn...Anyways,i'm gonna get down printing my research...Catch up wid ya'll some other time...Ouh,btw...I got a new 'mommy'...hahaha!Lame!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:48:00 AM
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
I'm in kelas,i feel soo funny sia...Got interview later..Damn...Why must i be selected sia? The resume and application letter i do anyhow,still got selected...What sia...Pathetic u know...Then after tt gotta help my aunt...And i have to pretend to e a chinese...Damn her...
And so,my weekends?I have no comments to tt....Seriously no comments...For yesterday,well...it was ok lah...Didnt go for UIR cos a fren needed me to hear her out... Went home late yesterday..Actually,i ain't in the mood to blog.Blog for the sake of blogging...Adios peepz...Haiz..
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:11:00 AM
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Friday, February 06, 2004
Class ended early today...Supposed to end at 12 but it ended near 11.30..Accounts lecture also ended early...What mann..Leave me with such boredom... Damn...Term test time table's out...so early got test already...Early test means early term break means early holidays which also means early reopening of school....Argh!!!So,this is my timetable...The order is as follows..:
Subject
Code
Date
Start
End
Venue
SeatNo
Networked Multimedia
CIC1C03
16 Feb 2004
09:30
11:00
LT9 (IT03-01-29)
60
Business Accounting 1
BAF1001
16 Feb 2004
14:00
15:00
BS LT21
12
Business Statistics
BLO1001
17 Feb 2004
18:00
19:00
BS26-04-02/03
79
Microeconomics
BEC1001
19 Feb 2004
14:00
15:00
BS26-04-02/03
83
Business Accounting 2
BAF1002
20 Feb 2004
11:00
12:00
BS26-03-18/19
46
Ok yesterday was a damn tiring day for me... I came home late..Then had alot of things to do mann..I was like falling asleep doing my work..Then when i was lying on the bed on my way to my dream land,i was oso sms-ing her...Then i fell asleep.Hahaha!Budak tu nk step tanak cik pon kiss dia...Pe jer... I think she was weird yesterday...Like suddenly out of the blue she sms-ed me when she was in school.When she was bored lah..And it dun really make sense to me cos usually no matter how bored she is IN SCUL,she wouldn't be sms-ing me.Wouldn't even be using her hp...Then in the evening early night,we sorta just ended our sms session and around half an hour later she sms-ed me again asking me if i've eaten and all...weirdo...hehe!Not tt i dun like it,just tt u were too weird for me yesterday.cos all this while tt i've known you,nth of tt sort happened before...hahaha!
And so i'm off...i think i'll be heading home..I THINK..haha!but let's see where i'll end up later...But tt one later talk lah....See ya around...
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 12:18:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Di lubuk hatiku tersimpan
Ada rasa bimbang
Yang enggan ku ceritakan
Ternyata baru ku sadari
Sirnanya hatimu
Yang engkau simpan untukku
Aku cinta kepadamu
Aku rindu di pelukmu
Namun ku keliru
Telah membunuh
Cinta dia dan dirimu
Oh... Tuhan
Maafkan diriku
Telah melangkah lubuk
Memberi bimbang di hatinya
Kutahu
Engkau telah berdua
Tak mungkin kurasa
Melepas kasih antara kita
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 7:05:00 PM
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Haiz...Did i do the wrong thing in letting u go? U noe i dun wanna leave,but things just ain't working out fine for the both of us.I mean,nt tt i'm objecting to u n him,but just tt i am in this triangle again. Nt tt i'm nt willing to go through it,i am.U noe i'm willing to go through thick and thin for you. But just tt i am not able to cope with it yet. My life has been hell for me oso. Oways kena kicked and bashed around. You know why... We haven't decided when to end al of this yet. Not yet. My mate would decide for me given the kind of life i've been in. They dun want me to think too much. I dunno why i did what i did yesterday. U noe wad u mean to me. Even after wad i've done to u, u still mean the same. Never did i n never will i regret knowing you. Whether or not we'll ever get back, i leave tt up to u to decide. If u think u wanna get back,u just lemme knoe. I'd be more than glad to say what i wanna say. Though what both of us feared has become reality, remember tt i am always with you wherever u go n watever u do. I am so much confused as you are... Never did i thought tt i would step out of your life just like tt. Well,we'll see how things would go. If u cn take life without me,you go on and have a wonderful life ahead. But,if u think u can't go on without me,then u come and take me back. Tts all i gotta say to u.
For the fucking idiot who entered my life early dix year. read these words... FUCK OFF... i thought things would go on fine,but fuck..U r more than irritating to me. Who the fuck are you to stop me from taking those fags??? Who he fuck are you?? I do not owe u a living. This is my fucking life. Whether u like it or not, i do not have the interest in u.. Why keep pushing me to meet you when i do not want to??Dun u understand simple english?Why the fuck do u go to school for? Fuck you...U made things more dificult for me. Becos of ur fucking presence,i have to leave one whom i never did wanna leave. I wasn't able to cope with things already becos of your fucking presence and pressure... Becos of u. Fuck you lah.. Leave my life.. Leave now... Leave soon... And i mean real soon. I thought u were sapose to be an understanding guy,but u turned out to be a fucked up guy... Becos of you,i am terribly hurt. I'd rather be hurtby the one i love rather by you. FUCKER!
crappypwincess HaD a MoOd sWinG @ 10:05:00 AM
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